Holy Women Who Hope in God
Speaker: Bret Rogers Series: Sojourners & Exiles Topic: Marriage Passage: 1 Peter 3:1–6
My daughter Anna loves to paint. A couple weeks ago, she sat down with a blank canvas. “What are you going to paint?” I asked. She then explained a basic landscape. With words she described its content, contours, and colors. She then went to painting. A few hours later, I could now see her beautiful landscape. By her words, I could imagine what the landscape looked like. But by her actions/painting, the words became visible to me.
In a similar way, Peter has been calling Christians to paint a picture. We explain the gospel word. But our lives should then make that word visible to others. Our lives should paint a picture of that gospel word.
One way we paint the gospel is through various contexts where we follow Christ’s example in submission. Just like Jesus submitted to unjust authorities while doing good, we too are called to submit and do good beneath unjust authorities. 2:21 makes it our calling: “to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you might follow in his steps.”
When we follow in Jesus’ steps, we make Jesus visible to others. Today, Peter continues this theme of picturing Christ in submission—only this time he focuses on wives married to non-Christian husbands. Let’s read it together in verse 1…
1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.
We’ve said before that Peter writes to help sojourners/exiles stand firm in God’s grace when suffering in Jesus’ footsteps. We’ve seen how trusting in Jesus will often set the world against you. Since we no longer share the world’s values, we become like exiles, foreigners, people who feel out of place. That presents many challenges when it comes to politics and unjust societal structures.
But imagine the challenges that come when your commitment to Jesus makes you an exile in your own home, even in your own marriage. Many of us could likely name marriages in which one spouse is a Christian and the other isn’t. The same was true in Peter’s day. The text before us speaks to wives who are married to non-Christian husbands. How should they respond? Peter’s instructions have three main parts: the wife’s submission—versus 1-2; her adornment—versus 3-4; and her hope--verses 5-6.
The Wife’s Submission
Let’s start with the wife’s submission. Verse 1 says, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands.” Not to men in general, but to your own husbands, submit. Immediately, we’re struck by how this command sounds like the one given to Christian slaves in 2:18. And, yes, this call to submit also involves willingly placing yourself beneath the authority of another. Yes, the Christian wife might also find herself living under the same roof with an ungodly authority.
But there are also important differences. One is that wives are not slaves in any sense. They aren’t owned by the husband like masters owned their slaves. But most importantly, the submission in a slave-master relationship was a result of the fall, while the submission in a wife-husband relationship was part of God’s design.
Not everybody believes that. Jennifer Bird is a professor at Hollins University. In her book Abuse, Power, and Fearful Obedience, Bird sees this authority structure in marriage as no different than the rest of the oppressive structures common to ancient Rome. For her, these instructions are cruel and should be critiqued to liberate women. Others—who don’t share such a dismissive view of the Scriptures—will say that Peter simply doesn’t want wives upending the social order of his day; but it’s not that he actually agrees with such submission.
If this were the only passage on a wife’s submission, perhaps there’s more to that last view. But it’s not. In fact, several other passages clarify God’s good design in a wife’s submission. In 1 Corinthians 11, for example, Paul says that the head of a wife is her husband; and then he grounds his argument in the way God made man and woman in Genesis 2: “For man was not made from woman, but woman from man. Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.” This doesn’t mean she’s less than an image-bearer, or that she’s unequal in worth or dignity. He’s simply showing that God’s order in creation implies an order within marriage.
Then, in Ephesians 5:22-24 Paul says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.” He then quotes from Genesis 2 again, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” Marriage is a living parable pointing to Christ and the church.
In sum, a wife’s submission to her husband displays God’s goodness in creation and God’s glory in redemption. That’s the ideal. Peter’s words complement that ideal but speak more to the way a wife’s submissive conduct might win her husband to that ideal. Her submission doesn’t simply display God’s design, it serves God’s mission.
Consider the context. In 2:12, we must keep our conduct honorable among Gentiles. Why? “That they may see your good deeds and glorify God.” In 2:15, we should submit to rulers while doing good. Why? “That by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people.” In 2:20, Christian slaves were to do good when suffering unjustly. Why? Because it exemplifies Christ to others.
In other words, our lives should paint a picture of the gospel in every setting we find ourselves; and the hope is that others believe. The same is true of the wife who finds herself married to an unbelieving husband. God can use her submissive actions within the marriage to win her husband to the Lord. Listen to the way he puts it: “wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives.”
“Even if some do not obey the word.” Look at 2:8. “They stumble because they disobey the word.” These are people who do not embrace Jesus as the cornerstone. In 4:17, he uses the same language: “It’s time for judgment to begin at the household of God; and if it begins with us, what’ll be outcome for those who disobey the gospel of God?” Peter seems to have non-Christian husbands in view.
The purpose of the wife’s submission is to win him.[i] Meaning, win him to the Lord, win him over to the gospel.[ii] Now, it’s peculiar that he says, “that…they may be won without a word.” Does that mean the wife never says anything about Jesus? I don’t think so. Peter has already stated that every Christian is set apart to proclaim God’s excellencies. He will also say in 3:15 that it’s necessary to “make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that’s in you.” I’d assume that applies to a wife as well, should her husband ask about her own hope in Jesus.
More likely, the phrase “without a word” assumes that the gospel message has already been made plain; and now the wife’s conduct should paint a picture of the gospel for her husband. The way she responds to him should help him better see the Savior described in verse 22: “He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten…”
Jesus is still the centerpiece; and these wives have a unique opportunity to exemplify God’s Son in how they respond to their husbands. I think that’s another reason he uses “likewise” in verse 1—not simply looking back to the previous two commands about submission but looking back to Christ himself. These wives have a unique opportunity to paint a picture of Jesus for their unbelieving husbands.
Consider how instructive this is. There’s no question that being married to an unbelieving man would present all kinds of temptations to revile when reviled, to deceive to get what she wants, to threaten when suffering harsh attitudes. In these moments, the call instead is to be like Christ. The wife’s submission can be used of God to paint a picture of Jesus in his own sufferings, and in this way win her husband to the Lord.
Don’t get him wrong: Peter isn’t saying that Christian women should choose to marry non-Christian men (cf. 1 Cor 7:39). Peter is not pushing “missionary dating,” so to speak. Rather, he’s speaking to situations where the wife was converted after marriage. She’s now must see the opportunity for mission within the marriage.
Now, that also raises questions about abuse and whether these words suggest that wives just passively endure circumstances like abuse. I want to address that directly in just a moment. But for now, let’s clarify some other points he makes about her mission.
Notice how he says, “When they see your respectful and pure conduct.” I’m not convinced that’s the best translation. Word for word, it sounds like this: “When they see your in fear pure conduct.” We’ve heard this word “conduct” before. 1:15, “be holy in all your conduct.” 1:18, “you were ransomed from futile conduct.” 2:12, “Keep your conduct honorable.” He’s speaking about the new life in Christ.
In Christ, the Christian wife now conducts herself “in fear”—not in fear of her husband, but in fear of the Lord. That’s been another major theme in 1 Peter. “Conduct yourselves in fear throughout the time of your exile,” 1:17. “Fear God,” 2:17. While the wife’s general attitude is one of submission, her ultimate fear belongs to God.
God alone possesses ultimate authority. Her husband has a derived and limited authority. So, wherever his authority contradicts the word of God, she must fear God and not her husband. When a husband requires his wife to do what God forbids, or forbids her to do what God requires, she must disobey his authority.
So, let’s say both the husband and wife have jobs—dual income family. But the husband keeps all the money he makes in a separate bank account; that way he can spend it his own way. Perhaps the wife asks to have a joint bank account and he says no. She must defer to his lead. But let’s say that same husband has an alcohol problem, and he wants the wife to purchase more when she’s out at the grocery store. She does not have to submit as that would be enabling sinful behavior. Or take a different scenario: the husband wants his wife to help him host a work party—she can submit. But let’s say the same husband wants her to stop fellowshipping with other Christians—to that she can’t submit. Why? She fears God.
Consider how that might impact a non-Christian husband. Maybe he pretends to be God and he’s very controlling. But when he sees that she fears the Lord and not him, God can use that to wake him up—Jesus is Lord, not him. It was also well-known in that day that the wife would, by default, embrace the religion of her husband. Whatever pagan gods he feared, the wife was expected to fear them as well. But as a Christian, the wife fears the Lord above all. When the husband sees such fear, the wife paints a picture that there is no God but one, the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Her conduct is also pure. That goes along with Peter’s theme of holiness. In 1 Timothy 5:22, it’s the opposite of taking part in the sins of others. In Titus 2:5, it’s coupled with self-control. In 2 Corinthians 11:2, it has to do with faithfulness to Jesus. Again, an unbelieving husband would likely be giving himself to all kinds of sinful behavior. But when he sees the pure conduct of his wife, God uses that to paint a picture of the liberating power of the gospel. It’s one thing for him to hear how the gospel saves from sin’s power, but it’s another for him to see that truth made visible in his wife.
The Wife’s Adornment
That brings us to the next point he raises, the wife’s adornment. In verse 3, Peter builds on the point about her pure conduct: “Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”
Notice the contrast between the external and the internal. He gives some examples of the external: fancy hair, costly jewels, fine clothing. His point isn’t to sort out what kind of hair styles are acceptable or what kind of jewelry is appropriate. He’s saying that such things shouldn’t be the wife’s focus. Our culture is constantly focused on the external. Think how often the messages come through ads, commercials, billboards, peer groups—the fashion and cosmetic industries are constantly telling women that their worth is in their outward appearance.
But Peter says that way of thinking is bankrupt. He agrees with Proverbs 31:30, “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” The wife’s focus needs to be internal, the hidden person of the heart. Instead of adorning herself with things the world sees as precious, she should adorn herself with the things that God sees as precious—and don’t miss that idea of “in God’s sight.”
It’s language used throughout the Bible to speak of those enabled to enter God’s presence. Peter is drawing from her new identity in Christ—verse 9 said, “you are a royal priesthood.” The priest served in God’s presence, but he only did so through the blood of a lamb. Jesus’ blood opened the way for us to serve in God’s presence; and Peter is now applying that honorable position to the wife. Even though her marriage isn’t ideal, even though things are rough, God is with her. He sees her. She lives in his presence as royalty. He looks on her as precious, the same way he looked on Jesus as precious in 2:4.
Peter had also mentioned how we were born again to an “inheritance that is imperishable”—1:4. Then, in 1:22, he said we were born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable seed.” Now he tells wives to adorn themselves with those things that have an imperishable quality. Hairstyles, jewelry, clothing will all perish. But qualities such as a gentle and quiet spirit have a beauty to them that will never perish.
What does he mean by a “gentle and quiet spirit”? It doesn’t mean she can’t say anything at all—we covered that earlier. It also doesn’t mean she can’t express concerns or needs in the home—other god-fearing women in Scripture speak wise words. Also, the word “quiet” shouldn’t be read to mean utter silence. Paul uses this same word in 1 Timothy 2:2 when he speaks of us living a “peaceful and quiet life.” The idea is that the wife has a well-ordered demeanor.
Then there’s the word “gentleness.” Quite remarkable is how this particular word behind “gentleness” appears only three other places in the New Testament; and two of them describe Jesus. Jesus says, “learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart,” Matthew 11:29. Matthew 21:5, “Behold, your king is coming to you, humble/gentle, and mounted on a donkey.” This is no passive gentleness; this is a strength of character that goes to the cross to defeat sin, slay a dragon, and lift our burdens.
Again, the wife of an unbelieving husband has this unique opportunity to paint a picture of Jesus and the way he interacts with others. The point isn’t this passive gentleness and quietness, but that her gentle spirit points her husband ultimately to Jesus. The way she carries herself commends Christ to her husband.
The Wife’s Hope
But how? Isn’t it possible that this man could lead her into all kinds of fearful situations? How could a wife possibly commit to him in such circumstances? How could she willingly put herself beneath his authority, even in times when he doesn’t exercise that authority rightly? How can she submit when he keeps denying the truth?
She sets her hope in God. That’s the final thought here: the wife’s hope. Verse 5, “For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and don’t fear anything that is frightening.”
The example of Sarah calling Abraham “lord” seems to recall a passing remark Sarah makes in Genesis 18:12. What’s interesting is that Sarah doesn’t call Abraham “lord” directly, to Abraham’s face. No, it comes after Abraham asked her to make some cakes for their guests. But while their eating outside the tent, Sarah is inside the tent; and she overhears the Lord tell Abraham that she’s going to have a baby. She then laughs and says to herself, “After I’m worn out, and my lord is old, shall I have pleasure?”
Why bring up this passing remark? Perhaps because it reveals the ongoing disposition of Sarah’s heart, even after Abraham has made some ridiculous choices. Earlier they’d gone to Egypt and Abraham tells Sarah to pretend she isn’t his wife. Pharaoh then takes Sarah into his household. Talk about a frightening situation! How did Sarah do something like that and still walk away honoring her husband?
She set her hope in the Lord. Earlier in 1:4, Peter said that we were born again to a living hope. That living hope is bound to a living Savior and a future, unfading inheritance. When you set your hope in the Lord, that hope frees you to keep doing good in the face of hardships. That hope enables you not to fear anything that is frightening.
It can be a fearful thing to follow even a believing husband; and here the wife is being asked to submit to an unbelieving husband. If he suddenly wants to uproot the family and move elsewhere for his career plans. If he models ungodly attitudes and you’re afraid the kids will follow in his steps. If he’s controlling the finances and not looking out for your needs—that can present a fearful set of circumstances.
Or maybe it’s not the circumstances of your home, but you fear what others think about your submission. We live in a culture that mocks a wife’s submission. So, amidst all these fears, how does a wife follow God’s word here?
She hopes in the Lord. She believes with Psalm 34:17-18—which Peter will quote later in this passage—“When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” She hopes in the Lord, knowing that he sees her. She hopes in the Lord, knowing that he’s sovereign over her circumstances. She hopes in the Lord, knowing that he’s going to remain faithful to her, even when her earthly husband isn’t. Her hope in God gives her the mental and moral fortitude to paint a picture of Jesus in the way she conducts herself within the marriage.
The Question of Abuse
Now, as a matter of pastoral concern, a passage like this raises questions about what a wife should do in cases where the husband is abusive? Sadly, I came across several Christian articles and books that have used this very text to instruct wives to passively keep enduring their violent and abusive husband. They view this command to submit in an absolute sense, no matter the setting or what the husband demands.
But to apply the text in that way is already false to the way Peter himself qualifies this submission. Peter frames her submission within a context of fearing the Lord. When a husband requires his wife to do what God forbids, or forbids her to do what God requires, she must disobey his authority. That might include her God-given role to protect the kids, or the God-given command to preserve life.
Also, context matters. More comparable would be a culture governed by strict Islamic law, where women have few legal protections and often cannot escape an abusive environment. In settings like this, the church should step in and do their best to help—encourage her to flee if possible and when wise. But there are real situations where she’s left with no other options but to suffer for her faith. In contexts where suffering is unavoidable, Peter tells wives to paint a picture of Christ, as he suffered in the path of love.
But that’s not the case for every context. Where cultures afford a wife certain protections under the law, the wife should take advantage of those protections. It was Peter who also taught us about the role of governing authorities in 2:14; and part of their role is “to punish those who do evil.” Governments don’t recognize every sin as a crime. But where God has given a society the grace to discern abuse as a crime, then a wife should report her husband’s criminal activity. She should call the police. She should be subject to those human institutions that offer those protections.
There were times when the apostle Paul endured abuse for the sake of the gospel. But there were also times when he utilized the protections he had as a Roman citizen to avoid needless suffering. Jesus himself didn’t always choose to endure abuse. On multiple occasions he fled needless suffering until his suffering became necessary for our salvation. But a wife’s suffering abuse isn’t necessary in most contexts. If she’s placed in a setting like that, can God use it to paint a picture of the gospel? Yes. But not every situation is like that; and it’s right for her to call the proper authorities appointed by God to punish evil doers for the good of society.
It will also be for the good of her husband. Perhaps God might even use this legal measure to call his sins to account and lead him in the way of repentance. Notice how Sarah’s children in verse 6 “do good.” Earlier we saw how these are good deeds that are observable by non-Christian rulers in verse 15, by non-Christian masters in verse 20, and by non-Christian husbands here in verse 6. These are goods that God makes discernable even by non-Christians; and at a minimum, these are goods that make for a just social order. Thus, one way a wife can do good to an abusive husband is exposing his abusive behavior and letting authorities call him to account.
Now, it’s also important for a wife in these situations to let the church know as well. Earlier in the letter, Peter exhorted us to “love one another earnestly;” and one way we can love is by being a supportive and safe place for victims of abuse. One way we can love one another is by calling abusers to account. Like God, we too must care for the afflicted and protect the vulnerable. Maybe that means providing a temporary place of living for victims of abuse. Maybe that means helping them make that phone call or sort through what things like this might mean divorce. Maybe that means walking alongside them patiently as they heal. It might also mean helping the abuser walk out repentance once he sees his wife’s conduct and turns to the Lord.
But if an abusive husband never turns to the Lord, the wife in such settings still has her hope in the Lord. Regularly, the Bible critiques the abuse of power; and Peter will address this directly in verse 7 (which, Lord willing, we’ll cover next week). But in the end—if the wife has set her hope in God—then just like Jesus himself, she will trust the Lord to right all wrongs. 2:23 says that when Jesus suffered, he did not threaten but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. Likewise, these wives can look to the God of justice in their hardships and know that he sees them.
Even if their husbands think little of their worth, the Lord finds them precious in his sight; and he will vindicate them. They will reign with Christ as his royal priesthood. He will crown them with glory and deliver them from all oppression. He will wipe away all their tears and make their sorrows be no more. That’s their ultimate hope; and that hope is what helps them continue painting a picture of Jesus.
Conclusion
In these last three sections of 1 Peter—Christians submitting to non-Christian rulers, Christian slaves submitting to non-Christian masters, and Christian wives submitting to non-Christian husbands—the point has been the same. We are called to follow in the steps of Jesus. Sometimes that will include suffering for our faith. But the aim is that our lives would paint a picture of Jesus for others. Our words explain the gospel; but our lives make the gospel visible. People cannot see Jesus. But they can see you; and by following in Jesus’ steps are hope is that they will come to love the gospel with us in all of its content, contours, and beautiful colors.
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[i] See also 1 Corinthians 7:16, “For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband?”
[ii] Paul uses the same language in 1 Corinthians 9:19, “I have become a slave of all that I might win more of them.”
other sermons in this series
Feb 2
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Stand Firm
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Jan 26
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Humble Yourselves
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Jan 12
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Shepherds & Humility in the Church
Speaker: Bret Rogers Passage: 1 Peter 5:1–5 Series: Sojourners & Exiles